Winter may be coming, but that doesn’t stop the lovebirds from ‘Game
of Thrones’ from following suit. The seventh episode of the third season
is called ‘The Bear and the Maiden Fair,’ which book-readers will
recognize as a famous song loved by the realm’s bards. Not only is love
blossoming anew, but there are weddings being planned (the count is up
to 4 now?), jealous suitors, and bears, oh my!
On the way to the Twins
Downpours
of rain slow the Starks’ travels towards Frey lands, which worries
Catelyn that the Frey patriarch is going to be even more annoyed with
them. Edmure’s pouts once again do nothing to help anyone, and sadly,
Blackfish doesn’t promise to punch him in the face.
Robb
and Talisa have a sexy moment alone in the tent, after which she
informs him she’s to be due a Mother’s Day present! She’s with
prince-or-princess! There is much naked rejoicing.
South of the Wall
Ygritte
goes all Little Mermaid on Jon Snow when she passes a windmill she took
for a castle at first, and upon informing her she’d “swoon” upon seeing
Winterfell, she tells him she doesn’t know what that means. Nor does
she know what “fainting” is. And why would a girl of her bravery need
to? You want thingamabobs? She’s got twenty!
It seems word of
their own sexy times is making the rounds of the wildlings, with some
“be a gentle lover” advice from Tormund Giantsbane (who knew?) and an
even stinkier stink-eye from Orell, who tells Ygritte in private she’d
be better off with one of her own. Like, you know, him.
In
a moment alone, Jon takes Ygritte aside, and since the jig is privately
up between them, Jon tells her the Wildlings will never win an attack
against the realm. Wildlings have passion, but there’s no organization,
and they’ll be decimated in no time, just as they always have been when
they mount an attack. Ygritte gapes like she fell asleep all throughout
Wildling History 101, but ultimately decides to adapt the outlook that
many millennials have long embraced: yolo. Since Jon’s on their side
now, he’ll die with the Wildlings, so they can at least live for a
while. (I think that means “keep having a lot of relations with each
other.”)
Meanwhile, the Green Dream Team have switched their
course. After Jojen’s dream foresaw Jon Snow on the wrong side of the
Wall, he and Bran have decided to avoid Castle Black and aim “North of
the Wall” to catch the three-eyed raven that’s been haunting his dreams
since his fall. Osha warns them with a story of her
lover-turned-White-Walker, and angrily recounts the promise she made
never to return to Wildling country. Who will the Little Lord side with?
King’s Landing
Sansa
beats herself up about being the stupidest girl in the realm, and
Margaery tries to make her feel better by finding a silver lining. After
all, Tyrion’s reputation precedes him by being quite the lover, a fact
which takes Sansa by surprise, because she apparently hadn’t considered
the implications of having an arranged royal marriage. Margaery reminds
Sansa that he’s far from the worst Lannister, which makes things awkward
when Sansa realizes (the one thing she’s likely to realize on her own
ever) that Margaery herself is wedding the absolute worst Lannister
ever. But again, Margaery makes the situation less awkward by informing
her that a caring lover has great benefits, since the act of pleasuring a
woman can be quite complicated. Sansa asks Margaery how she knows this,
and if she learned it from her mother, and the audience agrees with her
initial declaration that Sansa is the stupidest girl in the realm.
Tyrion
and Bronn have a quick scene which slightly mirrors the above. Tyrion
is feeling sorry for himself for inflicting the innocent girl with the
life-sentence of having to marry him. Bronn doesn’t see the problem with
marrying a young, beautiful girl, and doesn’t see why Tyrion can’t just
make the best of it.
Shae is why Tyrion cannot make the best of
it. Jealous that her lover is going to be married to, more or less,
Shae’s boss, Tyrion tries to explain to her that they can still, you
know, have a family on the side and she’ll live protected for the rest
of her days. Shae knows that’s no life and begs him to run away across
the Narrow Sea with her, but he asks what he would do there — become a
juggler? He has a duty to his family. Shae storms out, upset that she’ll
go back to being the nothing she was without him. (Yes, when you don’t
want to be left alone, the best thing to do is storm off to be left
alone.)
Tywin
threatens to make good on his promise to Cersei from a few episodes ago
that he will be the one to wrangle Joffrey in, and anticipation builds
as his shoes clack along the length of the throne room. We know Joffrey
doesn’t respond well to orders, so what’s his game?
Joffrey has
summoned his grandfather to ask him why he holds Small Council Meetings
in the Chamber of the Hand, rather than the Small Council Room. And also
why the king is not given a special invite to the meetings, when the
king should be informed. And also if he’s read Mindy Kaling’s new book
‘Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?’ and speaking of, are they? Tywin
towers over Joffrey, dwarfing him even in the Iron Throne, and tells
Joffrey he’s welcome to attend. He’s being informed right now, and if
there are too many stairs to the Hand’s Chamber, perhaps he can be
carried. Joffrey counters with a question about the dragons across the
sea that everyone keeps talking about and Tywin swats the nonsense away.
Next he’ll be spouting off tales of the dead come to life! With…blue
eyes…
Right outside the castle, in Blackwater Bay, Melisandre
sails away with Gendry in tow. He can’t get over the fact that after all
this time, he’s back where he started, outside the slums of King’s
Landing, when the red woman tells him his true lineage — Robert
Baratheon’s bastard son. Gendry’s mind is blown.
Outside Yunkai
Riding
the high of sticking it to the Slave Man in Astapoor, Daenerys grants
the leaders of neighboring Yunkai an audience with her. Presenting her
with a gift of gold and ships, the leader asks only for peace and for
their town to be spared. Gold and ships? That’s everything Dany wanted
when she set out on this crazy adventure of rightly claiming the throne!
Daenerys doesn’t accept. Her
gift to Yunkai will be for the leaders to keep their lives, with a
request on top that they free all their slaves. The liaison doesn’t take
too kindly to this spit-in-the-face counter offer, and he threatens
that she will have to deal with Yunkai’s powerful friends before
storming off. Dany sends Jorah to do some recon on who these powerful
friends are and audiences tug their collars wondering if she’s bitten
off more than she can chew this time.
In Places Unknown
Two
beautiful women emerge from the shadows, untie Theon from his torture
X, and bring him to the ground for some sweet, sweet lovin’, and just
about everyone watching is waiting for him to wake from a dream or one
of the women to take off her mask, revealing it’s Theon’s mystery
torturer or something. Sure enough, his captor announces himself at a
very climactic moment by blasting on the horn he loves so much. He then
informs Theon that he’d like to take away his favorite body part, and
the guards descend on him to take his manhood. That escalated quickly.
In the Brotherhood WIthout Banners Hideout
With
a pack of Lannister soldiers less than a day’s ride away, there’s a
change of plans, and the Brothers plan an attack on them instead of
heading towards Riverrun as promised, where Arya’s family is. Arya’s had
just about enough of their lies, and narrowly escapes their hideout
into the surrounding forest. But it’s not easy to see your surroundings
in the dead of night, and she runs right into the arms of the most
recent person to slip through the Brotherhood’s hands — the Hound.
At Harrenhal
Unsure
of her fate, Brienne is about to see Jaime off, who’s leaving for
King’s Landing. She begs him to at least keep up his end of the bargain
and free the Stark girls. He vows he will, and she bids goodbye to “Ser
Jaime.” Not “Kingslayer”! Tear!
After
a quick ride and some interesting info about why Qyburn was stripped of
his Maester’s chains — hint: in lieu of having bodies donated to
science, he just experiments on living poor people — Jaime learns that
Brienne’s father has offered a small reward for his daughter’s safe
return, but nothing like the sapphires Jaime had made up when Locke’s
men had set out to rape her.
Sure that those left behind would do
anything they want with her, Jaime demands that they head back to
Harrenhal, and upon doing so, he finds a cagematch between Brienne and a
huge frigging bear! Locke and his ilk cheer on the fight, which seems a
bit unbalanced, since Brienne is only armed with a wooden sword.
Jaime
dives into the fray to distract the bear, and just before having his
face swiped off, the guard who brought Jaime back hits the bear with his
crossbow, shouting to the others that Lord Bolton had charged him with
returning Jaime to King’s Landing and that’s what he intends to do. The
bear isn’t too swayed by a mere crossbow bolt and descends upon the two
just as Jaime boosts Brienne to safety. Once there, she has the guards
grab her legs, and dives back down to pull Jaime from near death.
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